Honoring the Memory of Our Loved Ones During the Holidays

While, ideally, the holidays are the time of connectedness and joy, the reality is more layered and complex for many of us. The season of gatherings and celebrations is also often the time when we feel the absence of the people we have lost more acutely. However, there are ways to honor and feel closer to our loved ones who are no longer with us. 

David Kessler, an expert and writer on grief and loss, and no stranger to loss himself, advises “Rather than avoiding the feelings of grief, lean into them. It is not the grief you want to avoid, it is the pain. No one can take that pain away, but grief is not just pain, grief is love.” And there are authentic ways to act on the love for our lost loved ones. Rituals such as storytelling and other ways of keeping their memory alive can be very helpful. David Kessler suggests some helpful tips:

• DO be gentle with yourself and protect yourself.

• DON’T do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss. 

• DO allow time for the feelings.

• DON’T keep feelings bottled up. And if you have 500 tears to cry, don’t stop at 250. 

• DO create opportunities to share, revisit, and hear stories about your loved one. 

• DO allow others to help in ways that feel genuinely supportive to you. 

Stay Connected

There are many understandable and valid reasons we may choose to withdraw and isolate more when we are grieving. However, it is essential to stay connected in some way to those who are trying to show up for us. We all need help at certain times in our lives, and often people who show up are also mourning a loss. While we may grieve in different ways, we can lighten each other’s load by lifting the sense that we are completely alone in our loss. 

Finding Comfort from Others' Stories

Hearing others’ stories of loss and grief can be comforting and illuminating. In addition to being a TV anchor, Anderson Cooper experienced much loss in his life, which inspired him to explore the topic deeply. The resulting All There Is grief community has been a hub of unique but uniting human experiences of loss and grief. Reading or listening to books dealing with grief can also be helpful. Here are some of the best books available: The 16 Best Books About Dealing With Grief, According to Psychologists.

Plan Ahead During the Holidays

When we are grieving, holidays may look different. David Kessler suggests: "Have a Plan A/Plan B – Plan A is you go to that holiday dinner with family and friends and if it doesn’t feel right, have your plan B ready. Plan B may be watching a movie you both liked, or looking through a photo album, or going to a special place you went to together. Many people find that when they have Plan B in place, just knowing it is there is enough.” It is okay to have a quieter, smaller, or otherwise different version of the holidays for a time or indefinitely. Whether continuing holiday traditions without change as a way to honor our lost loved one, modifying them, or canceling holiday plans altogether, it is most important to do what feels right and authentic to us.

What to Say

When supporting someone who is grieving, it is essential to remember that being there, in person or otherwise, is the most important and powerful part. There is no perfect way to support, so please do not let not knowing what to say deter you from showing up. There are some general things we can do, such as saying and meaning “I wish I had the right words, just know I care.” and “I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.” For more ideas, please take a look at David Kessler’s article The 10 Best and 10 Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief.

At Resilient Life Counseling & Wellness, grief and loss is one of our specialties because we recognize and honor the magnitude of this common human experience. We are here to support you during the holidays and year-round. We have a diverse team of therapists fully equipped to provide compassionate and personalized care to individuals, couples, and families at Resilient Life Counseling & Wellness. We offer flexible, confidential sessions, both virtually and in person. We're here to help you heal and thrive through every season.