Amplifying Appreciation in Our Romantic Relationships

by Yulia Goff, CSW, MSW

“Gratitude is the secret that could put therapists out of a job.” - Zach Brittle 

In my work as a couples therapist, I rely primarily on the Gottman Method, which is both well-researched and practical. While John Gottman is well-known for his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I have found the Gottman Method to be a consistently powerful approach to increasing positive, joyful connection between committed partners, married or not – or not yet. 

One of my favorite aspects of the Gottman Method is taking the time to understand what makes the relationship work and place it front and center in my sessions. Mindful appreciation of our partner’s winning qualities is one the ways we implement this practice. This month in particular, I would like to invite you to intentionally focus on amplifying appreciation in your romantic relationship. Allow me to tell you why and how.

Why Focus on Fostering Gratitude and Appreciation

According to Harvard Health, gratitude has a myriad positive health effects, including greater emotional and social well-being, better sleep quality, lower depression risks, and favorable markers of cardiovascular health. However, specifically in relationships, gratitude and appreciation are integral components of creating a culture of goodwill, which reduces conflict and, when conflict occurs, buffers against the most damaging consequences. For this to work best, gratitude, fondness, and admiration need to be shared with the partner. 

According to the Gottman Institute, “Everyone needs to hear something nice about themselves, and it means the most when it comes from your partner. Sharing fondness and admiration sounds like vocalizing the characteristics that you appreciate. Perhaps you admire their sense of humor or the way they’re always willing to help someone in need. In healthy relationships, you can articulate the big and little reasons you love your partner.” 

Sharing fondness and admiration increases the amount of affection and respect in a relationship (Zach Brittle, best selling author of The Relationship Alphabet, and host of the Marriage Therapy Radio podcast). And while affection and respect are always sustaining and fulfilling to experience in your relationship, they are also essential in those times when it might be challenging to work together or be empathetic. If we nurture appreciation consistently and intentionally, we are less likely to feel defensive in times of conflict, which makes it possible to stay positively connected even when we disagree. 

How to Amplify Gratitude and Appreciation in Your Relationship

Fortunately, there are many ways to share appreciation daily. It is important to be genuine and specific.  Therapist Kyle Benson suggests an admiration journal, which enables couples “to record something small they notice and connect it to a trait they admire in their partner.” He adds that “not only does this make your partner feel valued, but it also primes your mind to see the positive traits of your partner. 

I quite like this simple suggestion from Zach Brittle: “Set an alarm on your phone or your watch or whatever, and when it goes off, send a quick note of thanks to your partner. ‘Thank you for __________.’  Being appreciated feels great. It increases our sense of worth and value. And it’s contagious. If you work gratitude into your relationship, it will come back to you. Even if it doesn’t, you’ll feel happier and healthier.”

Gottman State of the Union meeting always begins with five specific appreciation points partners can share with one another. Kimberly Panganiban advises taking turns sharing five things your partner did in the past week that you appreciated – and noting what the positive trait means about your partner. For example,  “I appreciate how considerate you were this past week when you picked up the clothes from the dry cleaners when I ran out of time.”

Zach Brittle reminds us that “Gratitude is the secret that could put therapists out of a job: if couples would shift from defensiveness and toward gratitude on their own, they wouldn’t need to seek counseling.” In the meantime, as you work to strengthen your relationship, we are here to support you on your path to healing. We have a diverse team of therapists fully equipped to provide compassionate and personalized care to individuals, couples, and families at Resilient Life Counseling & Wellness. We offer flexible, confidential sessions. We're here to help you heal and thrive.