Creating Connective Conversations

By Yulia Goff, MSW, CSW 

In my work as a couples therapist, I rely primarily on the Gottman Method. What I have found somewhat surprising is how useful many of the techniques of the Gottman Method are for other types of relationships. For instance, the Gottman Method offers several generalizable principles for having effective conversations that allow us to exchange important information effectively and accurately while supporting emotional connection, as well. Two such principles are emotional regulation and “I” language.

Emotional Regulation is Key

In important conversations, emotions can run high, but it is essential to stay calm and regulated because it is only in this state that we have access to our best ability to communicate, i.e. to hear and express thoughts and feelings accurately.

• Seek to understand through active listening

• Minimize distractions

• Pay attention to the body language, tone of voice, facial expression, in addition to the words

• Do not interrupt (you can take brief notes of thoughts, feelings, and questions that occur to you as you listen to help you stay focused)

• Monitor and manage your emotional response

This last one can be hard for all of us, but, according to therapist Kyle Benson, “slowing down and taking deep breaths is a great way to self-soothe. Focus on relaxing your body. . . . If your partner notices you soothing, just say, “I am trying to stay present as I listen, and stuff is coming up for me, so I am trying to calm myself so I can truly hear you.” 

Stepping Back is Okay

Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is take a break, but it is important to do so correctly. Communicating that we are the one feeling flooded, we can ask for a brief break to self-soothe with a short walk, a favorite grounding exercise, or an episode of a favorite show. We can also do those things together! We can also ask to change the topic of the conversation – but set a time to return to it. Something like “I recognize this is important, which is why I want to give it my full attention. Can we find a better time to come back to it?” 

The Power of “I” Language is Important

On the surface, intentionally using “I” statements may seem artificial or prescriptive. However, take a look at the difference they can make. Let’s imagine bringing up a painful moment between two people, such as a couple or two family members: “I felt afraid and alone” v. “You abandoned me. You do not care how I feel.” Which one is more likely to open the door to communication? 

I would argue that the first statement – “I felt afraid and alone” – is more likely to lead to a productive conversation. One of the reasons for that is that naming emotions helps most people with emotional regulation, which, as we learned above, is essential for having productive conversations. Another is that the first statement communicates information that helps the listener understand something they may not have known before. Lastly, while the statement is addressed to the listener, it is not directed at them. According to therapist Kyle Benson “An “I” statement reflects your feelings, perceptions, and experiences. Using the word “you” during conflict has the opposite effect: it points fingers at your partner’s feelings, behavior, or personality.” 

Connective Conversations Takes Time

It is essential to remember that we all have room to grow when it comes to difficult conversations, and that is especially true when those conversations are with people nearest and dearest to us. But growth is absolutely possible, and having these conversations well is an essential part of becoming or remaining closely connected to people we value most, be they friends, family, or romantic partners. 

At whatever point you are, we are here to support you on your pathing to healing. We have a diverse team of therapists fully equipped to provide compassionate and personalized care to individuals, couples, and families at Resilient Life Counseling & Wellness. We offer flexible, confidential sessions. We're here to help you heal and thrive.