The Invisible Load of Fall
Halloween is just around the corner, but many women have already been planning and preparing for over a month. The invisible weight of managing costume purchases, class party sign-ups and trunk-or-treat decorations adds up quickly. For already overwhelmed mothers, the mental and emotional load added during the Fall season feels heavier than Santa’s bag of toys, and with none of the adoration.
The Perception Gap
While the execution of tasks may seem to be evenly distributed, the unseen load of noticing and planning often flies under the radar of well-meaning partners. In the Utah Women & Leadership Project’s 2024 statewide survey, 73.2% of men agreed on some level that domestic labor is shared equitably in their home, compared with 61.0% of women. For caregiving, it was 73.2% of men and 59.5% of women. The gap itself is the point: two people in the same house seeing different workloads (USU, 2025).
The Fair Play Framework
A helpful framework for managing more equitable distribution of domestic labor is Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play method. She splits every task into three parts: Conception (noticing it needs to happen), Planning (deciding how and when), and Execution (doing it). The person assigned to a specific task or event is responsible for all three, so the other partner doesn’t have to manage it from the background. Here is how that looks with three holiday tasks:
Halloween costumes
Conception: Asking each kid what they want to be, and noticing the school parade and trunk-or-treat dates.
Planning: Setting a budget, ordering before shipping runs out, and checking sizes and warm layers.
Execution: Assembling, picking up, and getting everyone dressed.
Family Photos
Conception: Deciding this year’s card will have a photo, and who should take it.
Planning: Booking the photographer, coordinating outfits, and working around weather and daylight.
Execution: Getting everyone there and choosing the final shot.
Christmas Cards
Conception: Deciding whether to send them, and to whom.
Planning: Updating the address list, meeting the print deadline, and buying stamps.
Execution: Writing, stuffing, and mailing.
It’s important to agree on a “minimum standard of care” up front. Does a costume need to be homemade, or is store-bought ok? A shared definition of what “done” looks like goes a long way for preventing conflict.
Try This At Home!
Together with your partner, decide which holiday activities and events are worth your time and energy. Distribute the tasks and give your partner full ownership of their workload. Let them know that their tasks are fully theirs from start to finish and you won’t be checking in or questioning their judgment. The key is to let your partner do it their way within the established minimum standard of care agreed upon. Many women struggle to let go of control of certain tasks, while men struggle to take full ownership. Remember that practice makes progress!
If you are looking for extra support during this season, consider starting therapy. At Resilient Life Counseling & Wellness, we have a diverse team of therapists fully equipped to provide compassionate and personalized care to individuals, couples, and families. We offer flexible, confidential sessions, both virtually throughout Utah and in person (Farmington, UT), and we are here to meet you where you are and support you on your journey.
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