Being a Mom: Moments of Reflection

As we approach Mother’s Day, many thoughts of reflection come to mind.  My journey to motherhood was somewhat unique in that I waited 45 years to become a mom. I married later in life, then became a step-parent to some awesome kids that are now young adults thriving in their life. I went through my own infertility journey, trying all the things including two rounds of IVF. During this time, along with caretaking my mother through her last moments of cancer, I wondered if this desire would ever come true. Thoughts of what motherhood had meant for me also weighed heavily from having such a close relationship with my own mother, and then hoping to have that experience for myself. I admired the woman she was including her devotion and her unwaving love for her children. Even with a career and providing for her family, she made sure her children felt important.

After her passing, my husband and I felt prompted to consider adoption, so we went down that path and did all the things necessary to help us be prepared to welcome our two amazing daughters to our home. Now I could say it has always been wonderful, which there have been many times it has been, but there also have been many times it hasn't. What I do know is there are amazing moments of joy along with extremely challenging moments of growth. So I thought I would share 5 lessons learned that I’ve observed over the last few years as a mom and clinical therapist who works with women.

Be Kind to Yourself

As a mom, we need to remind ourselves we're just human beings who are doing our best each and every day. We will make mistakes, but we’ll do a lot of things right too. The key is to be kind to ourselves and remember that if our intentions are in the right place in supporting and loving our children, that’s what matters most.

Time is about Choosing

We will never have enough time to do all the things we want or even need to do. Our to-do lists will always feel long. At night, we will always feel the weight of the undone. I believe the key is to accept it and do what we can do to move through to the next day. When it feels overwhelming and too much, slice it down to what needs to be done today, this week or this month, and take it one piece at a time. Planning too far ahead, or seeing all that needs to be done all the time, can make the overwhelm sometimes feel worse. Find friendships and supports around you, so you can feel normal in these spaces of the busy and hard. Again, we have to carve out the things that matter. We have to create time with our partner or spouse, time with our kids, time for ourselves and time for our work if that matters to us. It’ll never be a perfect formula, but overtime, we’ll learn what works easier for us. Remember the demand on our time will shift depending on our phase of life, so cherish the time we have now as it will change in years to come.

Know Your Capacity and Limits

Women are often the emotional gatekeepers of their home. They have a sensitivity to the needs of their children and their family, and that can feel heavy, and it can feel wonderful all at the same time. Needing to be that source of emotional support, you have to create reserves, so that you can be available in the ways you want to be. So know your capacity; know your energy. Don’t compare yourself to other moms and what they can do or can’t do, or those that work or don’t work, or societal expectations of what a good mom is. Do what works for you and take it one step at a time. Your health, your energy, your presence is a gift for you and your loved ones.

Meet Them Where They Are

I think one of the hardest lessons as a mom is being able to balance your hopes and the potential that you see in your children with where they are in their understanding and progression. The key is to accept them where they are and support them from where they are. Then we can help them take small steps forward with confidence and reassurance. I believe our self development grows the most when we become parents. But again, no matter the resistance, or the rejection, or the rebellion, or the tantrum, our job is alway to love them, no matter what.

They Are Their Own Person

Lastly, I believe our children are their own individual selves who need our love, guidance and support on their journey, even when it feels hard. Sometimes we have to let them make mistakes to learn the lesson. Sometimes we have to let them find their own way through this life. Parenting seems to change from when they’re younger to when they’re older, so we should try to give them the space they need to figure this out at each stage of growth. And eventually, they will make their own decisions on what is best for them. And even when we may not agree with their decisions, we love them anyway, and remind them that we are a safe landing pad of love and support.

I’m grateful to be a mom, a therapist and a practice owner who feels blessed to support my family, those around me and all who we serve in our work. And know that I’m still on the journey of learning with all of you, so let’s keep learning and just doing our best as moms each and every day. If you are seeking support on your journey to healing or navigating the challenges of motherhood, we're here to support you at Resilient Life Counseling and Wellness.